It would just be ridiculous if they were on a bended knee offering me a ring.” Yet even the few women who fell into this category tended to go along with traditional dating rituals anyway, arguing that the men they dated wanted them and the women “just didn’t care enough” to challenge the status quo. “Getting married and having kids were probably, if they were even on the list, like number 99 and 100 on the list of 100,” one told me. Not all of the heterosexual women I spoke with felt strongly about these dating rules. “But I like to have a guy be chivalrous.” “I know it feels counterintuitive … I’m a feminist,” the first woman said. ![]() None of the women considered proposing marriage that was the man’s job. Women, they said, were more attractive to men when they appeared unattainable, so women preferred for the men to follow up after a date. On dates, the women talked about acting demure, and allowing men to do more of the talking. A third woman, also 31, told me, “I feel like men need to feel like they are in control, and if you ask them out, you end up looking desperate and it’s a turnoff to them.” A 31-year-old said that if a man doesn’t pay, “they just probably don’t like you very much.” A lot of men, they assumed, were looking for nothing more than a quick hookup, so some of these dating rituals were tests to see whether the man was truly interested in a commitment. “It’s a deal breaker if a man doesn’t pay for a date,” one woman, aged 29, told me. The men said they desired and respected these independent, high-achieving women and actually saw them as more compatible partners as a result.Īnd yet in a throwback to an earlier era, many women I spoke with enacted strict dating rules. Given the significant time, money, and effort they put into building this career, the women I spoke with expected to partner with people who would support their ambitious professional goals. Americans with a college education now get married in their early 30s on average, as young adults put their love life on hold while they invest in their education and establish a career. Yet, when they thought of equality among men and women, they focused more on professional opportunities than interpersonal dynamics. Consequently, I expected the young women I interviewed to epitomize feminist liberation. Three-quarters of Millennials in America support gender equality at work and home and agree that the ideal marriage is an equitable one. The same gender stereotypes that they adopted while dating played out in their long-term partnerships. Once these women were married, it was difficult to right the ship, so to speak. However, I noticed a glaring disconnect between the straight women’s views on marriage and their thoughts on dating. Read: What I learned about equal-partnerships by studying dual-income couples Almost everyone I interviewed was quite vocal in their support of gender equality and didn’t shy away from the feminist label. Most wanted equal partnerships where they could share both financial and family responsibilities. This was not a cross section of America, for certain, but I did expect to hear progressive views. The heterosexual and LGBTQ people I interviewed-more than 100 in total-were highly educated, professional-track young adults who lived in the greater San Francisco Bay Area. Curious to explore some of the reasons behind these numbers, I spent the past several years talking with people about their dating lives and what they wanted from their marriages and partnerships. I was aware of the research that showed greater gains in gender equality at work than at home. But they were wrong.Īs a feminist sociologist, I’ve long been interested in how gender influences our behavior in romantic relationships. Almost none of my interviewees saw these dating practices as a threat to their feminist credentials or to their desire for egalitarian marriages. ![]() ![]() After setting all of those precedents, these women then wanted a marriage in which they shared the financial responsibilities, housework, and child care relatively equally. The women I interviewed for a research project and book expected men to ask for, plan, and pay for dates initiate sex confirm the exclusivity of a relationship and propose marriage. ![]() But dating is a different story entirely. Heterosexual women of a progressive bent often say they want equal partnerships with men.
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